Some years ago I was travelling home from America. My family had send me on a holiday for my birthday. I was sitting beside a lady who was writing on a small computer. She was making notes for a book she was writing. I was returning home to a houseful of children to be reared and there would certainly be no time for writing. Have you watched the film “Cheaper by the dozen?” The mother of the children wrote a book! I wondered if I would ever write a book. The only writing I was doing was jotting down notes about my daily readings from the bible. My husband called them “My Rewrites.” He teased me saying “Are you going to rewrite the bible.”
Ten years on, I was on my way home from Canada to Ireland. What was I doing? I was writing notes for my blog. I would never have dreamed that I would be doing this. With the quick advancement of technology over these last years one does not have to make reams of notes in books with a pen. I can do much writing on my i Pad. One can e mail, send pictures, take pictures, blog, all with the press of a button. Brendan bought it for me on my last birthday. As I sit to write, memories come flooding back to me. The Holy Spirit brings things to mind.
I have resisted writing before. I resisted thinking back to the past. I did not have good memories. I resisted writing letters to anyone because I wanted only to write if I had some good news to tell. I did not have the peace, confidence or courage before. God promises he will make a way when there is no way.
I have resisted anyone loving me. I have resisted showing love. I was embarrassed at first when I visited Canada. Waitresses in the cafes were friendly and smiling. People talked about having fun. A husband would call his wife honey. A wife would call her husband sweetie. I was embarrassed. I have never called my husband sweetie in my life.
Maybe the Irish are too numb from pain to express genuine love. It can be embarrassing to hug someone you don’t know. We can be sharp to tear someone down with our tongues. I want to speak kindly and be pleasant to others. Very often we don’t say anything and retreat into silence because of fear of being rediculled or someone retorting in anger because they don’t agree with your opinion.
There is a saying that goes if you can’t say anything good don’t say anything at all. Perhaps trust is broken and one cannot be open again. One puts up the defences to protect ones heart from wounding.
But God has healed my heart and mind of past traumas. “Perfect love casts out fear.” I can now look back and remember the good. A friend has come back into my life this last week. As we talked she remembered good times when we met together with our children. More restoration and healing for me.
There is a Psalm that describes how I feel.
When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion, we were like those who dreamed. Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, “The Lord has done great things for them.” The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy. Restore our fortunes, Lord, like streams in the Negev. Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them. (Psalm 126:1-6 NIV)